Compartments

Events like Friday night’s interview always makes me reflective. I look at my life in chunks because it feels sometimes like there is no continuity anymore. In my last blog post I referred to BAD and AAD, before Andrew died and after Andrew died, as a measure of time. Before, life was a whirlwind. I was grateful for the time spent as a family of 4; my loving husband and the two incredible products of our love. We went on adventures and spent amazing time together. Now, I am truly grateful for Al and am so proud of Sam and how she has pulled herself through the last two and a half years. She has her eyes fixed forward and knows what she wants. No small feat for any teenager, let alone one whose life was turned upside down midway through grade 9. And we still spend great time together, it’s not better or worse than before – just different.

Through it all is my teaching. I have an incredible group of kids this year – sweet 8 year olds; Andrew’s age when we lost him. But that doesn’t affect me daily. I really love the age group. What affects me daily is the compartmentalizing that I have to do to keep my head in the game. Multitasking is not an option anymore – they say it is a by-product of grief. I can only focus on one thing at a time and if I’m having a productive day, I can try, but I usually end up forgetting something along the way…

And then there is J. My sweet sweet 1 year old nephew who lives with us and is so full of love and energy (and germs), who I am sure has been sent to us by Andrew. I didn’t know I could feel this amount of joy again. There is an innocence about young children that reaches deep into my heart and they suck me in…every time. J will never replace my boy, but he makes me smile and laugh every single day.

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